updaaaaaaaaates

i wont lie, i love doing these little 'life update' blogs. simply because there are a lot of people i dont get a chance to talk to, and in case theyre interested in how im doing, well.. this is it.
plus its a sweet chance to talk about myself (har har).


three weeks till the semester is over. im getting really nervous. my final semester starts up in august, and i still dont really know what i want to do once ive graduated. ill have far past 150 credits when im done (which.. is excessive for my major. basically i could have started on a masters and been almost a year into it.) im so jealous of half my friends, because they all get to graduate this spring. ive been sadly looking at jobs and apartments in new york, wishing i could be just as giddy as everyone else. alas - not yet. but, it gives me one more summer to save my dollars. because god knows if i were graduating now, id be more or less fucked. hahaha - im still broke. i hate being in college.

for people that dont know, im (finally) dating jordan. (haahahaha) i saw him december/january of 07/08, and god stuck it in my brain to not forget him. i never really knew why - i told myself there was no way i liked him (i was already in a relationship at the time). but there was always some sort of tug on my heartstrings about the kid. we had gone out for coffee a month or two later and i felt like we really clicked - but then found out he had a girlfriend. so, obviously, i backed waaayyyyy off. aka, never talked to him again after that. summer went, i saw a few people but never anything actually serious. i wasnt exactly sure what it was i wanted to do with my life. i had a blast with all the great souls i was meeting, but i still felt like there was something else i was supposed to be learning. (jordan story will continue later on)

fastforward to the woods - that was what i learned. i had such a heart for people and knew thats what god wanted from me. but - i also knew traveling on a bus converted to run on veggie oil (which, is way cool) wasnt exactly what god had in mind. i knew, though, that my time and my care was intended to be given to those that needed help. i formed a lot of really great bonds with some people in that woods, some i really miss. god brings people in and out of our lives for a reason, and i feel its always because he wants us to open our eyes to something else.

i began formulating a life plan. i wanted to donate my money. i decided i only needed enough to support myself (semi-comfortably. food, shelter, etc.) i slowly realized that children may not be in my future, because of the plans i have. there are so many expectations i would have in order to raise a family right - and not that i cant do them, but that money i would rather donate to organizations i feel could utilize the money to enhance the lives of those that need it. id like to travel on missions trips out of the country (if i have a job that allows it). i want to help hand-dig a well in africa. there is a family from my home church (in iowa.. they live in mali), and i would love to be able to go stay with them. granted, i cant do it for a while .. but i want to.

i used god as a crutch for a long time. it was always such an easy excuse to fall on, but it wasnt ever something i actually lived. i believed it, but i didnt actually let god permeate my life. i spouted off all these ideals, and i realized how hypocritical i sounded. so.. in that woods, i decided to buckle down my faith. and what an AMAZING choice that became.

around the end of december, jordan and i really started talking and hanging out again. i was really enjoying the time i was getting to spend with him, and slowly i was realizing what the purpose was god had stuck me to him. why i could never get him out of my head, after a year had gone by. haha, im sure you know what im going to say.. i liked the booger. a lot. and the more i was getting to know him, the more i felt connected to him and the stronger my feelings grew.

we went out for a night in orlando. for those of you that dont know, theres this guy that stands on the main street (orange) and has a megaphone and a sign saying 'god hates homosexuals, punkrockers, etc etc'. so.. jordan and i intervened with a few of the people that seemed to be getting offended. we just wanted to ask some questions and talk with them about what jesus' message TRULY was - and that it wasnt what the guy was saying. i separated off into my own little world, and was talking to quite a few people. it warmed my heart sooo much to turn and see him on the other side of the corner, completely focused and concentrated in conversation with a complete stranger - all about god.

later that night, jordan said something about how he was amazed that sort of stuff was something i cared about. that not many people were as into it as what he was, and was glad to see i was passionate about god and jesus. thats when it became official ;)

it was insane to see how many life plans fit together. we both intended to move to new york city after graduation (but conveniently, hes now not moving till december.. :)). we both have the same heart for people and have the same idea for our future (donating money, helping others, etc). we both love god the same way, and have recently committed to loving god together.

i guess its one of those things.. im not sure where the future is going to take us. im not sure if there is one for us. i dont want to count my chickens before they hatch :) but i am amazed by that man every day. he constantly is putting me at the highest respect. he is so incredibly kind, and SO funny. so intelligent (sometimes.. i have no idea what hes talking about. i give him the look of .. 're-explain please'. i have never had that problem. lol)

ANYWHO. before i keep raving on like some dopey lovesick girl, i guess im just surprised at what god keeps unfolding for me. things i never expected are falling into place. things ive wanted since i was 14 years old are becoming real for me.

i honestly have the feeling that NONE of this would have happened to me had i not fully surrendered everything. i read one of my blogs from the beginning of january, about how we are given the desires of our heart. im starting to wonder if some of those desires that started so long ago are finally being given.

BUT.
with all that said.

the lord giveth and the lord taketh away.
blessed be the name of the lord.


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